Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Omaha Party Treadmilling

Passing time. Saving for goals. Vague goals of a different life. A different sort of life with a different sort of happiness. Something less desperate. Less imidiate. Something content. Constructive. Slower.

A happiness achieved slower.

Weekends full of the same places, different people. Different places, same people. Altered social situations but it all blends together. Everything clinging with such desperation to the hopelessness of these few blocks. Like a baby in a womb convincing its self there is no future.

Corners of omaha i'll never know. Streets with so many memories that i can't even look at them. Thoughts that make me try to disappear or at least dissolve back into the present.

There is so much to be discovered in life. So wasteful to tread over the same paths over and over. Paths so well worn there is barely any sustance left at all. There is so much i have yet to experiance. Though we all are the same organism on the same planet and tend to form similar social structures, its refreshing to change your surroundings.

Change helps let go of fear and ego. Helps you to see things differently. From a different perspective. I fear change. Fear of losing myself. Fear of revealing myself as weak. Fear of having to justify my existance without the approval of others. Fear of being unable to cope once out of my womb.

Fear of goals. Fear of caring. Fear of investing myself in something. Fear of discovering myself. These are what i am battling now. Will i be bored with myself if i don't see myself in certain surroundings. will i be bored with a sober mind? is there a place for me somewhere? for the real me? for a constructive, positive me? who i am? am i so shaped by my surroundings that i have no substance? what will emerge if i change my surroundings? Goals for ones self assume alot of things. can i accomplish what i want? are my goals influenced by a belief that i cannot achieve much?

allowing myself to flow organically, largely without goals, has shown me great joys and deep sorrows, but i long for the slow happiness. i feel as if now i'm beginning to reach a balance and discovering the life i want to live and the morals, values and priorities i want to hold myself to.

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